Tuesday, May 31, 2011

How To...Be An Older Brother

 Here we are! My older brother Ethan & myself. I'm so excited that Ethan agreed to be a guest blogger for this weeks "How To..." post. He is an amazing brother, a dear friend and one of the funniest people I know. Sorry, if you have trouble leaving comments...you can always do it on Facebook if you want! Enjoy!

How To Be An Older Brother

Most people probably think that an Older Brother is simply the eldest child in a family's sibling hierarchy, but most people are wrong. Older Brother (henceforth to be referred to as "OB") is a title that must be earned. As an OB myself, I'd like to educate you on OBs by listing out a couple of things I believe are important for any OB to know & follow. (*Legal disclaimer- The items discussed in this blog are hypothetical examples of what one might do if one had a younger sister. They are not intended to seriously injure or maim the hypothetical sister, and I hereby absolve myself from any legal action taken against me by the readers of this blog)

#1 Responsibility of an OB
Younger siblings are yours to teach, guide, and, naturally, misguide. OBs usually view them as their own personal guinea pigs or crash-test dummies. The sibling's level of gullibility directly correlates to their level of participation in the OB's schemes, so it is up to the OB to test their younger siblings to see what they are capable of (read: what they will fall for).

Fantasy World
Younger sisters live in a fantasy world almost 24 hours out of the day: it's a proven fact* (*documentation available upon request). They are not on the same wavelength as normal, logical, human beings. As an OB who grew up with a younger sister, I can attest that she was rarely (if ever) in touch with reality. When we were growing up I couldn't relate to her delusional life of fantasy because, as a spy, I was firmly grounded in the real world of international clandestine operations. In the world I lived in (the real world), life & death often hung in the balance and it was up to me to make the world a safer place.

For example, I would be out on a top-secret mission, well-hidden behind the corner of our neighbor's house (also known as the Communist Embassy), spying on the bad guys. Just when the bad guys were about to hand over the documents to their undercover agent, my younger sister & some of her friends would come parading in  out of nowhere, riding their imaginary ponies through the imaginary pioneer town to the imaginary general store to buy some imaginary bonnets or something. Her fantasies were completely ridiculous and they almost always blew my secret missions. But, as an OB, I had to learn to look past the perpetual hallucination my sister lived in & remain focused on the mission at hand.

Thou Shalt Prank
Pulling pranks on your younger sister is a sacred part of your role as an OB, and you must devote time and effort to it in order to hone and perfect your craft. OBs need to be creative and share knowledge with other OBs, cousins, and friends. They must collaborate, for two heads are better than one and if something goes awry, it's better for two people to share the punishment than for one to shoulder it alone. Here are some of my personal favorites.
  • Locked in the Bedroom
    • As any OB knows, bedroom doors open inward so it is quite easy to lock your siblings in their room by simply tying a rope from their doorknob to another doorknob across the hall. Easy as pie and very effective!
  • Pennies on the Fan
    • A classic! Go into you sibling's room and put 4-5 pennies on each of the blades of their ceiling fan ( if I need to explain to you that the fan needs to be turned off before doing this prank, just stop reading and go do something else). When your sibling turns on their fan, pennies will start flying all over the room.
  • Rubber band on the sink sprayer
    • No explanation needed for this one. Every half-brained goober in the world knows about this.
  • Heads up!
    • Close your sibling's door until there's a 3-4 inch crack at the top. Next, get a bunch of random stuff that doesn't weigh very much (empty soda cans, shoes, sticks of deodorant, etc) and gently stand it on top of the door, leaning it against the doorjamb above. When your sibling walks through the door it will all come raining down on top of their head.
  • If you have woods near your house, these are my two favorites:
    • Pitfalls
      • Dig a 6-8 inch-deep hole on a path in the woods and lay a few sticks over the top of it. Cover the sticks with dead leaves, making it invisible to anyone walking down the path, and you're done! Pitfalls work extremely well until someone twists their ankle.
    • Tripwires (always a classic)
      • Tie a wire about ankle-high between two trees on opposite sides of a path in the woods (heavy fishing line works best because it's almost invisible). Works like a charm.
    • Important note - Most of the above pranks work equally well on parents & friends, however pitfalls & tripwires should NOT be used on parents, or else you will be in "Big Trouble".
When you are an OB, you are admonished by your parents to protect your sibling(s) but, interestingly enough, its something that's already in your nature. Even if you are not an especially huge fan of your younger sibling (like when you are younger), you still have the instinct to stand up for them & protect them. As a child, it may be something as simple as making sure they're included in whatever games the other kids are playing. When you get older the instinct is stronger, such as when you what to break some guy's face for saying something ugly to your little sister. So no matter how old you get, protecting  your younger sibling is part of who you are as an OB.

Now if you will excuse me, I've just been called away on a top-secret mission...


  1. Oh my goodness! Such a great post. Never had an older brother, but I now see what I greatly missed. Of course I had a younger brother and he especially had to put up with being dressed up in square dance clothes and a wig and introduced as "Roberta." Thanks for sharing Ethan and be sure and give a copy to your kids!

  2. (from MamaJeannie)
    OK, now that was about the funniest OB/LS thing I've ever read. hahahahahaha.... hahaha... (deep breath)...hahahahaha

  3. Well, that takes me back...

  4. Hahahahaha!!! Well said Ethan! HILARIOUS!! The writing gene runs in the family!

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