I'll never stop being crazy about this handsome man, but other than that, I want to stop being so crazy.
Happy New Year!!!! Can you believe it's 2012? Amazing how much a year can hold. In this past year we left our beloved Seattle to move to San Diego. After six months in San Diego we moved to Texas. Three states, three circles of friends, four houses, lots of driving and a wide variety of weather in this past year. I feel a bit blitzed to be honest with you.
Just now I am really beginning to unwind. During all these transitions I thought I was doing great - and I was doing pretty well. But in the midst of all of the emotions and unknowns of 2011, my brain turned into one big stress ball. What the heck is God doing? Will this next season be as good as the last one? Who in the world am I going to be friends with? Will people forget about me when I leave? Am I easily replaced? Am I going to be okay?
I began to get obsessive about the little details in my life. I needed to control something. My weekly schedule got way too serious. I began to pay way too much attention to things people said. What exactly did they mean? I analyzed conversations like a 15 year old girl with a crush.
I focused a lot on how I felt. That is good to a point, but I took it a bit too far. Obsessed about my health, freaked out about if I am gifted or not, tried to determine where my place is...I lived with a constant buzzing noise rolling around in my head. Fear began to creep in. Anxiety and subtle doubts...What is happening with my life? You know how you feel in the middle of an episode of 24 or one of the Bourne movies? That's how I felt all the time. Waiting for something to explode or another curve ball to come into the plot.
This morning my dad preached a sermon that was fantastic and exactly what I needed. He made the point that if we are living more as citizens of this world than we are of heaven - we are out of our minds. We are out of the way God made us to think & the rhythms He created us to live within. Things then begin to feel confused and , well, crazy.
That is what had happened to me. I got stuck on myself. I was living crazy.
I don't want to do that this year.
Instead of "God what are you doing with me?" I want to ask "God what are you doing?"
Instead of "God what's my role?" I want to ask "God, where can I help?"
Instead of "God what's wrong with me?" I want to ask "God, show me deeper revelations of your love."
I want less of myself & more of God this year. I want a heart at peace and a mind at rest. I want hope in place of anxiety. I want to live a kingdom focused life & stop living out of my mind. No more crazy.
So, here is to 2012...the year I stop being crazy.