Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm Fired

What I am about to say, I say without shame. Cast your judgements if you must, but I can not deny it. I LOVE reality shows. I do, I can't help it. Not the ones about Housewives who have WAY too much time on their hands or the Bachelor. Those are completely stupid. Top Chef, Shark Tank, Chopped, America's Next Great Restaurant, Biggest Loser...I love them. I also like The Apprentice.

Thanks to hulu I can watch them while I fold laundry at night or clean the house during the kid's nap. The other night I was watching The Apprentice and thinking to myself "If they gave me that task, I would completely get fired." Later that night I was having trouble going to sleep. So, I whittled the time away laying in bed and thinking about the jobs I would most likely get fired from. Most of these on my first day.

1. Waitress. I would be a horrible waitress. I'd be the one who stops to chat at the tables and forgets the other people at my other tables. My trays would spill regularly because balance isn't my strong suit. I hate to admit this, but I know that I would zone out when people tell me their orders. I'd probably be thinking about something else, get back to the kitchen and realize I don't remember what they said. So, I would just end up sitting back down at the table of friendly elderly people and avoid my other tables again.

2. Engineer. Any kind of engineer. Not only does my mind refuse to work in this way or at this capacity, whatever I worked on would be a safety hazard. If I designed anything, national security levels would be elevated. My planes would crash, my bridges would collapse and my computers would explode in people's faces. I would in fact, destroy America.

3. Personal Trainer. Ha! I can't even get my mind around this one. Not only do I not work out regularly, I haven't a clue how to use the equipment. I'd get a cute outfit , wear a whistle around my neck and drink lots of water. Thats about it. People would be bench-pressing treadmills if I were in charge. I would be useless at spotting while people did weight training because I am a weakling and can barely pick up the bar. This means smashed faces and ambulance rides. I don't see that working in my favor.

4. Weatherman. Yes, I am a woman, but "weatherwoman" sounds stupid so I am saying "weatherman". It looks like a fun job and I could bob my hair and put on a blazer...that's a good look for anyone. I just have a feeling that I wouldn't figure out how to point to the right place when it's just a green screen behind me. I'd point north instead of south on a accident. Then people in the north would think tornadoes were headed for them & take cover for no reason. People in the south would think they were clear of storms and get swept away when they went out for coffee...It's not a good idea.

5. Archeologist. I wear contacts so this is automatically out. Too much dust floating around. Plus, I don't think I would have the patience. I'd just yank things out of the ground instead of slowly brushing the dirt away. It would just be too slow paced. The one exception is if I did it Indiana Jones style. He was a professor (which I think I would be good at) that went on fun archeological adventures...and I don't think Nazis can get in your contacts...

I did eventually fall asleep...


  1. I know what you mean...I can't see myself being an accountant...first of all, I hate paper...having to keep paper records drives me nuts. I have to do it to just be functional in normal life, but if it was my job, I would obsess so much about every detail being correct, I'd still be working on people's 2010 taxes in 2020. I think I'll stick with being a pastor...even though there ARE a few days here and there when being a plumber's apprentice looks pretty appealing!

  2. I could never be an opera singer. 'nuff said.

  3. you're hilarious. no way around it. you've got me rolling over here!

  4. Liz, you had me laughing out loud several times. You are so witty and clever! And what you say is so true!

  5. I agree with everything you said. You wouldn't be good at any of that stuff and neither would I, but mostly for different reasons:

    1. Waiter - I wouldn't stand for the crap that some people give waiters
    2. Engineer - Math. Can't do it.
    3. Personal Trainer - Same reasons, plus I think gyms are dumb. Get outside if you want to exercise.
    4. Weatherman - This one I could probably do but it seems that most weather people are fairly serious, and I would have to joke around a little bit. Or a lot.
    5. Archeologist - I hate getting dirty, and I would be impatient too. "Just get the stupid thing out of the ground so I can see what it is!" I would say while squirting hand sanitizer in my palms.

  6. Ethan I think you would make a terrible diplomat. That should be on your list.

  7. Agreed!! I would be an awful diplomat or the TRADITIONAL sense. I would, however, be like a breath of fresh air in the diplomatic & political arenas. People wouldn't know what to do with someone who communicates with such honesty and succinctness.

  8. Thanks Elizabeth for this post, so fun to read your writing and the writings of friends and family. I wrote this whole thing up and it disappeared so lets see if I can reinvent it.

    1. A GPS - I rarely remember names of streets so my directions would until you come to the Walgreens, turn right. Notice there is an Exxon on the corner. Drive till you get to the cactus bed with the small fence and take a right. Drive down the street till you see a flag. You are there!

    2. An Explorer- Think of Columbus with a telescope and that isn't me. I'm not a risk taker and not someone who has vision. I so live in the here and now and risk rarely is in my vocabulary.

    3. A writer- I love words and thoughts, but I have no original thoughts in my head. I love being inspired by others, but rarely can just pull something out of the hat.

    4. A Waitress - my memory is poor and I to have problems with balance, but I can serve.

    5. A Gardener- I'm not a hot weather girl (yet I've lived in Texas my whole life) and digging in the dirt just isn't my thing. I love looking at flowers and plants, but there is nothing in me that is willing to pay the cost to achieve this. My Mom has this gene, but it skipped a generation and neither my brother or I got the "bug."

    Elizabeth I realize I could go on and on about what I'm not, but at the same time I did hear a voice saying, but you are...Love the diversity each is given. Thanks for this post friend and for being an original thinker!

  9. The whole bunch of ya are really really funny people. :)

  10. OK, I just stumbled into this whole Mulkey/Griffin twilight zone of zanyness because of a random post on FB. Even though I wasn't invited to this party, I'm crashing it. Love, love, love the way you think and write, Liz. Eager for more. BTW, here's what I could never be: an assembly line worker. I crave fresh ideas and new experiences so much that I have to have a daily fix of "never done this before." I'd be disaster because of the repetition (Lucy sampling the chocolate, Lucy stuffing chocolate down her blouse, Lucy trying to figure out where to hide the chocolates that missed inspection.) So happy to have you back with your family in Waco. Love to all, Linda