Impoverished Confusion

impoverishedpast participle, past tense of im·pov·er·ish (Verb)

Verb:

Make (a person or area) poor: "they impoverish their people"; "impoverished farmers". Exhaust the strength, vitality, or natural fertility of: "the soil was impoverished by annual burning".

confusion

Noun:          1. The act of confusing.

                    2. The state of being confused

                    3. disorder; upheaval; tumult; chaos

                    4. lack of clearness or distinctness

                    5. perplexity; bewilderment

I read this verse the other day and was immediately intrigued. What is impoverished confusion and why does it seem to be in opposition to living?

I chewed on the idea all day & jotted down realizations as they came to me. By 5pm I was well aware that my life was full of impoverished confusion. I was full of half-thought thoughts. Running around all day trying to clarify my goals as I went. 

There was chaos in my mind because I hadn't made the time to really process out all of my emotions and stored up ideas. I moved from one thing to the other without properly concluding my previous activity. My mind raced two different ways because I wasn't disciplined enough to master it. I was chaotic inside. 

I wasn't worried or anxious, but I was exhausted. I had no new and fresh ideas because I drained all my creativity with 20 projects that never went anywhere. There was nothing to show for all my energy. My days were not guided by any clear direction. It made me feel incapable.

I also realized that there are other areas of confusion that keep me weak and poor in spirit. Questions that have no answers. All the 'what ifs' and 'why nots'. I cannot answer any of them & yet I waste my mental power trying to solve them. I began to mistake vain imagination for daydreaming. 

Plotting out my response to situations I may never be in. In the end I am still left without answers. I am full of confusion not clarity. Impoverished confusion. 

What I need to do is leave it. Leave it behind & live. Deny the temptation to plot out all the possible scenarios. Embrace what is certain. Celebrate what I do accomplish not plan for 50 things I want to do someday. (thanks Pinterest) Hold on to what I DO know about God and His purposes. 

I need to leave my impoverished confusion & live.